Friday, March 13, 2009

We Don't Have to Know Why

It has been a rough two weeks. We found out that we had a threatened miscarriage on Monday the 2nd, and then we found out this past Monday that we lost our baby(due October). It's comforting to know that our baby is with the Lord right now, but it's sad to know that we can't meet him or her on this earth. God is working in me, giving me a peace during this time that is pretty hard to comprehend. He is Good. He has given us so much and as Job says in Job 2:10, “Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?” The Lord gives and takes away, and I will choose to praise Him for I know He is good. He is my Father, and He loves me. I believe He will continue to bless us as He has time and time again. This may not be in my way or the way I imagine. But it will be best.

There’s a sadness that is deep and hard to explain. A loss of a dream, a loss of an imagined face, of smiles, of future memories, and of laughter. I have spent many hours praying through this, processing it with the Lord, and so there is also a peace that is hard to explain. I have been angry, sad, confused, frustrated, and impatient, and most likely will have many moments of that again. But now there is a peace that somehow, in a way I don’t understand, God has better in mind. It could be a need for me to grow closer to him. It could be another blessing down the road that we have not yet imagined. It could be a wake up call to the amount He has given so far. It could even be His protection. There are lots of ways others try to provide comfort or explanation, but it just comes down to “we don’t know.”

We don’t truly know why God chooses to give or why He chooses to take away. We don’t have to know to believe He loves us and to believe that He is sovereign, all-knowing, all-powerful, and good. We have evidence of that in the works of his hands. We have evidence of that in the way he has moved in our lives.

We don’t have to know all the answers because in truth, how could we know? How can we put such a perfect God in a finite box of our finite minds? I am so grateful that I cannot fathom all the mystery of the Lord. If I could I would reduce him to something man-made and fallible. Would I want to trust completely in “my image” of God? If my plan prevailed, I would be stuck living in the “possible good” or the "relevant good," missing out on the ultimate best. How often do I want to take control when it is much more freeing to submit my life to the all-knowing, all-powerful, perfect, loving, and gracious God who cared so much about me that He sent His only son to die for me?

Lord help me to fix my eyes on you, and run this race with perseverance & strength that comes from you & you alone. May I focus on you so that I do not grow weary and lose heart. (Heb. 12:1-3). “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; Then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known” (1 Corinthians 13:12). Thank you Lord for fully knowing me, and may I rest in your knowledge, not mine.

Other verses I have meditated on in the last weeks:
Psalm 4:1, Psalm 16:2, Psalm 27:13-14, Matthew 6:33, Isaiah 43, Isaiah 40:28-31, James 1:2, Psalm 139:16, Psalm 121.

18 comments:

rvedrenne said...

Thank you so much for posting this. Made me cry, made me think beyond myself. Praying for more days of peace! Love you guys!
-Robbie V.

Sandra said...

Beautifully written! Thanks for sharing your heart!

Sandra

Shay said...

So sorry for your loss...Thank you for sharing your humble yet profound reflections. Your faith is an inspiration! Peace and love to you all...
Shay

Betty LaRue said...

Dear Haley and Rob: I was so saddened and touched by your beautiful comments and undying faith. Please know that I had a similar experience prior to Michael's birth. We had been trying to have another child for over a year. I felt all the feelings that you have experienced, but I realize after giving birth to Michael that it was not meant to be as it could have been even more challenging or devastating than having a child with a congenital heart defect. You are truly blessed to have 3 beautiful, healthy children and perhaps God was sparing you from a life altering situation. Please know that my thought and prayers are with you during this sad time in your lives, but I know your faith will carry you forward. With much love, Betty LaRue

Chrys said...

Praying for you now, Rob & Haley. I know that pain and hurt for you. May you continue to rest in Him. Much love.

Chrys

Beck said...

Sweet H: I'm so sad that I saw you from afar on Wednesday and didn't know to go hug your neck. Thank you for being vulnerable and for wrestling with faith. I hurt with you and love your tender heart. Praying over you as you continue to mourn with hope.

Bebie said...

Haley, if we knew all the mysteries of God all at once, we would not be able to handle it! I thank Him that He is with you during such a difficult time as this. You will now be able to share your story of grace with so many others. May you be such a blessing to those who need your strength and faith.
~Bebie

tresoake said...

So sorry to hear about your loss. My spirit aches for yours. Happy you are seeking comfort in your faith. Take care.

SarahFifer said...

Thanks for sharing your heart sweet Haley! We love you all!

Anonymous said...

Haley...your words reflect a heart completely wrapped in Him! Love you sweet friend...praying that the Lord continues to be your Great Comforter.
Love you!
Chandra

lindsay said...

Had you on my mind this week... God is truly mysterious! It doesn't make it any easier at all but know that you're not alone in feeling each and every emotion, the good and the bad. Haley, I'm so sad that you and Rob had to experience this but glad that you shared.

Brooks Inc. said...

Haley- Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful heart for the Lord even in the midst of your loss. You bring Him great honor in the pain and joys of your life.

I am so sorry. I pray you will feel the Lord's Presence as He walks you and Rob through every step of this journey.

Love you-
BJB

olivia and henry said...

haley, i'm so sorry to hear this. i empathize with you...i miscarried february of last year, baby was due this past october. it is hard, but you are right...God is all-knowing, infinitely wise, and completely sovereign. so thankful that we don't have to know why, and we can trust Him. love you, angie

the bowlin family said...

haley,

i am so sorry for your great loss. i thank you for sharing your heart. you are so precious. i am praying for you and rob, but also your whole family and you lean on the Lord during this time.

love you! stephanie

Stacey said...

Beautiful expression of a beautiful heart.

I so wish that I could carry some of your pain. Loving you and praying with you.

marc and trisha said...

Haley,

I am so very sorry. I pray that you will feel a peace that only He can give. Thanks for sharing your heart.

love
Trisha

Natalie Fournet said...

Oh Haley. I am so sorry for your loss and am praying for your healing. Hugs! Natalie

Jen Griffin said...

Haley, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm praying for you and Rob to continue to find healing and hope in Him. I saw you mentioned Psalm 16:2...I think verse 5 is also a great comfort.
Much love,
jen