It has been a rough two weeks. We found out that we had a threatened miscarriage on Monday the 2nd, and then we found out this past Monday that we lost our baby(due October). It's comforting to know that our baby is with the Lord right now, but it's sad to know that we can't meet him or her on this earth. God is working in me, giving me a peace during this time that is pretty hard to comprehend. He is Good. He has given us so much and as Job says in Job 2:10, “Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?” The Lord gives and takes away, and I will choose to praise Him for I know He is good. He is my Father, and He loves me. I believe He will continue to bless us as He has time and time again. This may not be in my way or the way I imagine. But it will be best.
There’s a sadness that is deep and hard to explain. A loss of a dream, a loss of an imagined face, of smiles, of future memories, and of laughter. I have spent many hours praying through this, processing it with the Lord, and so there is also a peace that is hard to explain. I have been angry, sad, confused, frustrated, and impatient, and most likely will have many moments of that again. But now there is a peace that somehow, in a way I don’t understand, God has better in mind. It could be a need for me to grow closer to him. It could be another blessing down the road that we have not yet imagined. It could be a wake up call to the amount He has given so far. It could even be His protection. There are lots of ways others try to provide comfort or explanation, but it just comes down to “we don’t know.”
We don’t truly know why God chooses to give or why He chooses to take away. We don’t have to know to believe He loves us and to believe that He is sovereign, all-knowing, all-powerful, and good. We have evidence of that in the works of his hands. We have evidence of that in the way he has moved in our lives.
We don’t have to know all the answers because in truth, how could we know? How can we put such a perfect God in a finite box of our finite minds? I am so grateful that I cannot fathom all the mystery of the Lord. If I could I would reduce him to something man-made and fallible. Would I want to trust completely in “my image” of God? If my plan prevailed, I would be stuck living in the “possible good” or the "relevant good," missing out on the ultimate best. How often do I want to take control when it is much more freeing to submit my life to the all-knowing, all-powerful, perfect, loving, and gracious God who cared so much about me that He sent His only son to die for me?
Lord help me to fix my eyes on you, and run this race with perseverance & strength that comes from you & you alone. May I focus on you so that I do not grow weary and lose heart. (Heb. 12:1-3). “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; Then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known” (1 Corinthians 13:12). Thank you Lord for fully knowing me, and may I rest in your knowledge, not mine.
Other verses I have meditated on in the last weeks:
Psalm 4:1, Psalm 16:2, Psalm 27:13-14, Matthew 6:33, Isaiah 43, Isaiah 40:28-31, James 1:2, Psalm 139:16, Psalm 121.