Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Free

Update: I went to the GI yesterday, and he does not think it is a GI problem. He did have me come in for more bloodwork today, and he asked that I go see an internist who can pull all my info together. So I'll be seeing an internist tomorrow morning.

I'm free of the heart monitor as of today, and I sent it off in a UPS package. I guess I will hear results from that at some point. It feels good to not have those little patches connected to my skin, and wires hanging off me. Supposedly the fatty tissue connected to my heart is not causing symptoms, and the monitoring was just precautionary.

But the reason I titled my post "Free" is not because of the heart monitor, but more because I have realized some things. Yesterday, I was discouraged, and I woke up this morning frustrated that I felt sick. . .my head ached, I was nauseated, and just wanted to sleep. I was just so ready to be "normal" again, and I want some answers for why I feel sick. "Rest" is not a popular word in my vocabulary. I would much rather "do" because I truly enjoy being active. I guess all that is to say, I am so tired of being tired and weak. After all, who wants to be sick on their birthday!

But I have had little bits of encouragement from the Lord that have humbled my complaining spirit, shown me He loves me and my family, and honestly kicked me in the rear. My husband's sweet post, all your encouraging comments, a birthday package of my favorite things from my biblestudy girls, and a sweet birthday party with my husband, kids, and parents. . . Genny, a long time friend who lives in connecticut provided a wonderful meal, my mom made a special cake , and the kids were super excited about me blowing out candles. So I realized(yet again) how blessed I am.

Today, my kids got to play at the Smiths house, but before that, we had a surprise visitor. Sarah Tucker showed up at my house with a huge basket of fun toys, etc. plus a goody basket for me, all from her community group. As the kids tore into it with my mom, I was both humbled and grateful at the same time. God continues to teach me to trust him during this time of "weakness." When I am unable to be strong, God is strong for me. When I can't take care of my kids or be the mother I want to be, God does it for me. The Journey entry from today speaks to that very thing(read it if you have a chance). "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"(2 Cor 12:9). God has not answered my prayers for the cause of my symptoms, but he has grown me through this. I am realizing my weaknesses. Not only physical, but also that I need Him. I like to be independent, and sometimes it is so hard for me to receive help. So let's just call it what it is....pride and a need for control. I hate it when my sin rears it's ugly head. I am not super-woman (although I sometimes wish I was), and I am in need of a savior. How grateful I am that I have found one in Christ. God continues to show me that I need to rest in His provision & plan, because it's better than mine. It's so much better. Not sure why I fight that so much. I feel like this is a lesson I learn over and over again. I'm so glad He loves me enough to allow me to grow. He is definitely showing me His power through the hands and feet of our community, friends, and church. I'm grateful to be weak, but I pray I will never grow tired of hope in the Lord. "Be strong and courageous, do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go"(Joshua 1:9). I am free to depend fully on the Lord.

4 comments:

Sandra D. said...

Haley I appreciate your honesty in this post! I'm always blessed by your posts and your faithfulness to God. I continue to pray for you!!!
(((((HUGS))))), Sandra :-D

The Penuels said...

I loved reading your thoughts...so honest & inspiring :) You are in our prayers often! Alli & David

Suzanne said...

Love this... feel like i am learning so many of those same things right now. Suzanne

the bowlin family said...

haley, what a wonderful post. i felt so many of those same things while on bed rest before jack was born. the lord taught me so many things about trusting in him, but already i have gone back to having pride and need for control in so many situation. thank you for your honesty and being such a sweet reminder that i need to rest in christ and he is sufficient. you are such a blessing. love, steph